Breaking Bread Alone

It's an odd thing to have joy but a sorrowful heart. To smile in dark days and to have a supporting community while feeling isolated. It's peculiar. I struggle to understand this and perhaps I will never comprehend. Although I'm good at deductions and planning the future, most days, I don't know where my next step will be, in the land of the living or the grave.

It's true when the Bible says in Proverbs 14:10,  "The heart knows its own bitterness, and no stranger shares its joy." I have an intimate understanding of this verse and it seems like I am continuously a voyager through the valley of shadows and death. Now and then, people peek down the cliffside to say hello, but very few step down to walk the road with me. But then I realized, many are in their own valleys and much of the time, my journey is spent in their dark places. I find myself traveling from valley to valley trying to spread hope but many are content without it. Because of this, many days, I feel sad but at the most appropriate moment, God shows me that he is keeping an eye on me, through the interactions of fellow travelers. But sometimes, I feel my mind is struggling because it's hard to see friend from foe and differentiate users from givers. Especially,  when I find myself in a deafeningly quiet house with no one to converse with as I play back in my mind moments of my life. So, I dig into scripture and make my petitions to God. Without fail, I get answers even those that tear me in two. 

Therefore I pick up my head, and I journey on. Sometimes I'm just drifting, at times carried by a horse at Saddles in Service, other times a kind word and hug from a Jamul Community Church member pushes me on, but most of the time, the word of God and his promises to me is what keeps me sane. Eventhough this is so, why is my soul downcast most days of my life but still filled with joy? I don’t know, but I have an idea… it was resolved on the cross when Jesus died for me and for you.